Washington Post....what do moms do all day.

The Washington Post

Tell me about it. by Carolyn Hax

Wednesday May 23, 2007

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071,

SNOW keeps falling.

This was just the beginning. so much snow. I get excited when the weather lady comes on...there is so much excitement in the air when a blizzard is about to hit.

and yes...blake, jeff, and dad. I shoveled the whole driveway by myself. Im sorry I was such a brat growing up and refused to do any sort of work outside :) Maybe next summer Joel can teach me how to start the lawnmower.

Mr. Independent

Oh boy. The toys are being ignored and the cable box is almost always on the wrong setting.

He's starting to stand for a few seconds on his own. Some days I honestly wish I could put a helmet on him.

Learning how to go from standing to sitting. He stands in this positions for what seems like a minute before he can work up the courage to sit.

Pretending

Deep down I dream of living in the country, homeschooling like ten kids, and living off the land. But since this will probably never happen, we went to the pumpkin patch and started our crazy idea.... Homemade pumpkin.

Apparantly there are so many different kinds of pumpkins and certain ones work best with certain foods (leave it to the pumpkin patch in Boulder to know all about this). So we left with a Cinderella pumpkin and a Wisconsin cheese pumpkin, then headed home to start. It took about 4 hours, but I think we all enjoyed the funny fall activity.

my dad and partner in crime for this activity. he also dreams of being a farmer:)

cooking the pumpkins.

for dinner. pumpkin soup and pumpkin bread. interesting.

We had a TON of left over pumpkin puree, so last night I decided to can it all so we could have it all year for pies and bread. I had everything in the cans and in the boiling water when I thought I should check how long to keep them in....only to find the USDA doesnt recommend canning pumpkin! So now it is all in the freezer. Details, details, details. I guess one should check the recipe before actually starting. Oh well. At least I know for next year. And it was a fun afternoon. Maybe next year the pumpkins can actually come from my backyard. Probably not though.

workin.

It was so hot! By the end jackson was in only an undershirt.

a new look.

This random memory came to me the other day. It was my best friend Taylor and I sitting in the hallway outside Impact youth group when a young mom walked by. I remember asking Taylor why it seemed like moms always look different and mommyish after they have kids. Dont get me wrong, this mom was still beautiful-there was just something different and older looking about her. I clearly recall telling Taylor that I thought we could stay "the same" even when we have kids. Ha!

Well, here I am. Ten years later and Ive turned into that mom that "looks different". Even a year ago, I would never have thought it could happen. But it did. SO....for all my twenty something, yet to have kids, friends out there--- I came up with a list of reasons (excuses) why moms get that mommy look. Im sure there are a million factors that play into this, but here are a few I could come up with :)

---babies like to put their messy, sticky fingers in your hair and pull really really hard. Solution-get a mom bob.

---limited time alone and away from baby means a highlight is always overdue.

---clothing budget for self gets spent on new baby clothes

---cute shirts with lace, beads, or ruffles get pulled on and looks ratty after only a few wears. gotta start thinkin practical.

---Modesty becomes more important...when you're constantly bending over and playing/crawling on the floor with baby, who wants to worry about what may or may not be showing?! This in turn makes waist bands on jeans higher, shirts longer, and v- necks non existent. *I should admit this has been the hardest one. I have yet to find a cute pair of citizen jeans that fit a mommy lifestyle. But I know, I know. The only thing worse than tapered, long butt mom jeans is a mom who bends over to change her baby's diaper and doesnt know her backside is hanging out.

---This one is a stretch, but those 3 or 4 extra pounds that just dont seem to go away can be blamed on breastfeeding and our body's need to keep a few extra calories around:) Once nursing is over though, I think I might have to find a gym with childcare :)

---A baby can only last so long in a stroller at the mall without becoming an embarrassment. Therefore, shopping consists of buying something fast and trying it on at home. I actually saw proof of this tonight as I tried to shop with Jackson. After only a half hour he started making grunting noises and about a minute later I knew exactly why. Gross Jackson. So gross.

So why you might ask. Why am I willing to throw the blanket of my youth away in exchange for mom hair, jeans, and boring crew neck tee's? Because it's those same sticky fingers that reach up in the air, longing to be held and taken care of. Without me, he's helpless. And somehow that makes me love him all the more. Perhaps that is how God looks at us. Messy, sticky, helpless, but totally able to be wiped off.

Game Night

It makes me feel close to everyone in Omaha when we watch the Huskers :)

first wobbly crawl.

Peekaboo...

g and g

We love it when Grandpa and Grandma come! Last weekend Joel's parents came to see us. It was fun showing them all Jackson's new tricks. He has changed a lot since we last saw them. From the babbling to the army crawling, there was plenty to keep us entertained. It was so nice for me too that they came...I got a much needed girl day-lunch with a friend and shopping :)

Today, Jackson is having a full blown battle with a tooth and the surrounding gums:) Sooo fun! But, last night we did witness his first real crawl. The image of his face as he figured out he was moving forward, high above the ground, is enough to get me through the fussy moments today.

this is so fun!

Trying to crawl

professional pics

It took awhile for these to come back. We had photos taken of Jackson at 7 months.